Sometimes
by Nera Fiore
Summary: While Cedric is alone one night, he starts to question his disposition in life, and decides to share his insecurities with Cho, through a letter.


Story: Sometimes.   
Rating: PG  
Ships: Cedric/Cho  
  
Sometimes.  
By Aly the WheelerChick  
  
Hey Cho.  
  
Everytime I pick up this quill to write, I can't help but think 'what if this is the last time I'll ever be able to pick up a quill and write to you?' How would I feel if I could never write again? What would it be like if not only I couldn't write, but what if I couldn't even feel? What if I died? What would it be like?  
  
I know, my mind is wandering away, Cho. It seems to happen a lot, especially when I don't have you here to keep me sane. I'm sorry. That's just the way I feel sometimes, Cho. Sometimes I can't help it.  
  
I hope I'm not scaring you. I know that if I revealed those thoughts, feelings, and emotions to anyone else, Cho, they'd panic. Maybe this is just one of those many many qualities I love so much about you. You sit and you listen to these things without fear.   
  
And I don't think that's always fair.  
  
Sometimes, like right now, I think you deserve way better than me, because I sit and tell you these things like you have to listen. No one else would have it that way, Cho. They'd sooner die first.  
  
Sometimes I feel like dying though, too.  
  
Not all the time though, no no no. But sometimes everything seems like too much. Sometimes I can't handle it. Sometimes I wish I could die, just so it'd all go away...  
  
But then you smile and everything is alright, at least for a little while.  
  
Sometimes, you are my reason for living, Cho. You understand that underneath this smooth surface I wear, there's really a cyclone of doubts and fears and thoughts that I'm constantly at war with. My loathing of him....  
  
My father, Cho.  
  
Most kids would die to have Amos Diggory for their father. So how is it that I got to be his son? The irony kills me.  
  
I'm so tired of him telling everyone that I'm the best. Bragging, like I'm some superior. Like HE'S some superior. I thought we were all equal, Cho. I'm not like him. I don't believe in superiors. I didn't inherit his ego. I didn't inherit his biased thinking.   
  
And I don't always want to be the best, either. What's so wrong with that? I just want to lay back and be myself and take a break from it all. I want to give someone else a chance in the spotlight. I don't CARE if he gets me the crème de la crème of everything in the world that money can buy. I don't want that. I just want him to realize that we're all equal. I just want him to realize it's the simple things in life that make me happy.   
  
Tell me, Cho, is happiness worth more than a diamond ring? Sometimes I don't even know anymore. Sometimes it seems like society has brainwashed us all. Brainwashed us, and smashed the simple carefree thoughts of hope and joy to pieces. They influence us to put labels on eachother, almost like we're marketing products. It's.....terrible. The things it's done to the human race. To my family. To my father.  
  
What's wrong with me Cho? Why do I ponder these things? Why does my mind work this way? Throwing downfalls at what could be the best life in the world....I don't even take it for granted! Well...maybe some of it.  
  
Like the fact that my father has all these huge plans mapped out for me in the Ministry. And to tell the truth....I don't think I want that. I guess a life like that would be okay, but I don't want a job that will make me miserable, even if it does pay a million galleons a day. I don't care! What I would seriously like to consider for my job, is being a professor, like Dumbledore, or Sprout, or Flitwick, you know? A job where I can actually use everything I've learned at Hogwarts, and experience new things everyday. I don't care if it isn't the best paid.  
  
My father would kill me if he knew that. I couldn't even bear to hold my head up around him if he knew.   
  
The choice comes down to him or me...and I'm torn. He's such a fucking hypocrite, ya know? He tells me I should put myself first, and then take care of everyone else second. How am I supposed to do that, when what I want is 'disgraceful' in his eyes? How do I do that?  
  
I guess I should just forget about it for now, because it's just accomplishing nothing, and causing me grief. And sometimes grief is the last thing I need.  
  
Anyway, the hour is dawning nearer, and I guess I ought to go now. It's very late, and the letter is long. I just want to ask though, even when I put you through uselessness and nothingness letters like this one, do you still love me all the same? I do not doubt our relationship at all, but sometimes I get so scared. My heart would shatter if you left me, Cho. I would completely lose control.  
  
I know I'm the 'strong many boyfriend' but sometimes I need you to hold me as well. Sometimes I need my girl, when I feel so weak like this. I want you to know that I'm here for you forever and day, but sometimes I need it to work vise versa though, okay? You don't mind too much, do you, Cho?  
  
And lastly Cho, I want to thank you. Thanks for being my light; my love; my reason for living. I love you more than words can ever say.  
  
-Cedric 


End file.
